Three Day Update, Plethora of Moves

omg first place still

So after three days, I've still managed to keep hold of first place, despite my team sucking bag! I don't think it will last very long, maybe not even past tonight [although I am optimistic], so I'm going to relish it while I can.

I've decided to counteract my "missed the draft" handicap by trying to get goalie points nightly. I'm going to run two goalie starts daily mixed with a full line-up of the B- and C-graded centres left from the waiver pile. Jaro Halak and Roberto Luongo have already joined my team, and I'm hopeful that I can stream in another goalie whenever I have an off-night for the other four clowns.

One douchebag GM who actually had two useful players managed to stop stuffing his face with Hot Pockets long enough to click accept on my trade proposal: Patrick Kane goes to him for Nathan MacKinnon. Mac should've been able to get me some face-off wins, and has the RW eligibilty I need to fill slots.

UNFORTUNATELY, it was too good to be true: the sons of bitches GMs in the league vetoed the trade. What a god damn joke. I called them out on this but none of these cowards have responded, beyond one guy who claimed innocence. That will be addressed further in the next post, about all the little jibes back and forth between myself and a relatively smart guy, and another GM who STILL doesn't get it.

I unfortunately do not see myself being able to trade my way into better players. Yes, there are a handful of fuckwit GMs who have no clue what the hell they're doing, even when it's directly written in nice point form for them [seriously, this happened and one of them STILL argued that the strategy was stupid], but the amount of good centres that are remotely tradeable and are not on the two powerhouse teams is slim: Joe Thornton, Pavel Datsyuk, Paul Stastny, and Henrik Sedin. That's seriously it. And all of these guys are exclusively "C", which is the one area that I don't need them to be.

Well hey who gives a shit I'm in first fuckin place.

Scouting and Berating the Competition

Now that I've inspired a certain amount of fear into the rest of the league, I need to scout some of these teams.

I already know one cat, who calls himself "THE J AND L SNIPERS" is going to be very tough to beat, since he has half of my team from last year and the abrasive asshole persona to match yours truly. But he may not even be the most fearsome team in the league!!! I'll get to that guy in a bit,

First, my absolute favourite part of the draft was that the two other GMs in the league who had experienced my wrath last season DID NOT EVEN DRAFT PROPERLY. The one guy who finished last place by about 3000 points, Nave31, actually tried - he has five C on his team - but he couldn't resist the temptation of drafting non-C because of their flashy names. "Oh, I can get Martin St Louis in round ten???? OKAY DONE."

The other guy, the LEAGUE COMMISSIONER, the one who set the fucking rules in the first place, has three C. He's doomed to a sixth place finish.

Why only sixth place for him? Well... one team drafted one lone C - and it's Pavel Datsyuk, who is on the IR and is old and busted anyway. That guy is finishing last, 100% for sure. He also only drafted two d-men! What an idiot. This other guy drafted two C - Stamkos and Hank Sedin - and that's it. Solid seventh place. Some other dude has three C - Tyler Seguin, Joe Thornton and Nate MacKinnon. I'm currently in the process of trying to screw him out of two of those three. Will update accordingly.

But this other team, "go habs go" [real fucking original] is the team to really beat. Not only did he draft a forward corps made up entirely of face-off specialists, he also drafted Dustin Byfuglien to anchor his D. This guy is going to be really tough to take down. I'll have to use all of my cunning.

My panic is subsiding, however. Without even a game played, I'm confident that I'm in the upper echelon of the teams, maybe as high as third, even if I don't try at all. I just need to micromanage the shit out of my guys in order to stand a chance against the top two.

Exhale.

Season Update 1

Bozak's Hot Show: Back for another season.

Before you read further, or if you're new to the blog, go read last year's first post, where I explain just why I started this blog and why I had so much fun with it. Also, read about the scoring settings of the league and just how ridiculous they are.

You know things were looking #dire after that atrocious excuse for a draft, but I had to make due with what I could.

I picked up Jaroslav Halak, Cody Hodgson and Martin Hanzal, dropping American Hero TJ Oshie and the Scarborough Assassin Wayne Simmonds. These two piles of shit were autodrafted incredibly high for me. God, how pathetic.

But I couldn't show my fear to these plebeians. I needed to show strength, to show courage, to show utter contempt for their continued existences. I also needed to show a cockiness that defied logic because my team is actually brutal and can't compete.

There. That should do it.

2014/15 Draft

So our draft was scheduled for Sunday Oct 5. Unfortunately, the idiot commish didn't bother opening the league up to the public, and we were left with three teams, so Yahoo cancelled the draft. The commish didn't even bother attending, and thus no new date was set.

I check back tonight to see when the new date is and motherfucker, the draft is already going on. This is awful. Terrible. I panic. Oh god.

I join the draft in round fucking 14. 14!!!!!!!!! This is my worst nightmare*. I check out my team and what do I see?

Sidney Crosby and a bunch of wingers. Even my fucking C that were autodrafted for me play wing. NO FUCKING FACEOFF WINS. So I'm naturally panicking. I start browsing other teams, desperate to try and make some deals.

Then some idiot starts chirping about how he's going to walk away with the league and all of the other GMs are idiots.

That's right: there's a me in this draft, and it's not me. This is so fucking meta.

I check out his team, and holy fuck, this guy really IS me!!! Dude has six skaters from my team last year: Claude Giroux, Anze Kopitar, David Backes, Matt Duchene, Mikko Koivu and Shea Weber. That's unbelievable! Almost half his damn roster!

Anyway, so I finish the draft by selecting a bunch of guys who finished top 50 in points last year [that's right, rounds 15-20 in a draft I got five top 50 guys] and take a look at the damage.

This is going to be ugly.

*[it's not nearly close to it, but let's just pretend for the purposes of this post, ok?]

2013 Final Standings

Hi!

We're back for another year!

Here's the final standings from 2013.

It was a yawner, hence my lack of posts.

This year is going to be something really, really different and it'll actually be a dog fight.

Update!

So this happened. [credit to Justin... not sure he has anything I can pimp, like twitter or whatever]

Bozak's Hot Show is running this shit now.

[btw the trade I proposed was like Ryan Getzlaf and Dion Phaneuf for Burns and Byfuglien]

And here's the standings.

So basically, this FlyGuyzz dude figured out the league and has been shockingly keeping pace with me for the last month or so. Then again, I benched my team for an entire fucking week and this guy is still almost 400 points back. So uh, ya know... "keeping pace" isn't going to cut it.

The league hasn't occupied much of my time for the last while because, well, look!

Poor Nave31 dropped back into last place and it's looking pretty dire for his band of misfit toys and useless NHL scum. Better luck next time you fucking ASSHOLE.

I guess I should bench my team for another week or so, and then maybe I'll post the link to this blog on the league board. I want all of these awful idiots to know just how much garbage I'm talking about them.

Hm maybe I should make my email address not be public to them. Yeah I think so. NO MAIL BOMBS.

But Tyler Bozak sucks...?

So one of the great things that really made me realize how much fun I was going to have with this league was that all of these loser players who no one would ever draft and who really just kinda suck big bag are ranked soooo highly because of meaningless stats like hits or blocks or face-offs [which aren't as useless but still way overrated].

One of those guys was Tyler Bozak, who is a mediocre 2nd liner being used as an elite 1st liner on an awful team [gee I wonder why they suck]. He was ranked 22nd in the entire game based on total points accumulated last season - mainly thanks to his absurd number of face-off wins. 22nd amongst all skaters!!! That's how crazy this point system is.

So this season, he's been hurt and thus his totals aren't nearly what they were last year [he ranks about 122nd amongst all skaters in total points]. HOWEVER - if you use the much-better-for-analyzing points-per-game stat, Bozak pops all the way up to... 9th in the fucking league.

This is all rambly for the sake of it, but there's a point.

The guy in 2nd place, the guy who has actually shown some aptitude for adapting to the league's insane point structure, decided to fucking drop him! Looking at his team, Tyler Bozak actually ranks TOPS amongst all of his skaters in average points over the past month. And he's just going to drop him!

I feel a bit conflicted here because I absolutely hate Tyler Bozak. He's the poster-child for everything that's wrong with the Leafs right now... but man, he's just got so much value in this league!

So I threw in a claim for him. I'll find out on Sunday whether or not I get him.

If I do win the bid, I'm going to rename my team in his honour.

Fancy stats

Hi

free fuckin' lube fancystats via Extra Skater

I haven't posted for awhile because holidays and lack of interest... but yeah.

My guys are almost all positive goal differential at 5v5 play, and almost all positive possession players... only three of them are below-average on their own squads, owing mostly to quality of competition faced [Phaneuf/Hanzal] and otherwise because the entire team is so awesome [Backes]. Basically I rule.

Anyway, I benched my entire team over the Christmas break and only lost about 75pts of ground [owing to the shortened schedule]... and then unbenched them because fuck this shit, I'm going to massacre these idiots as much as possible. I know it's not so fun, but shit who cares right?

Anyway my team is awesome, an embarrassment of riches. Why should I sacrifice glory and a gigantic point differential because I feel bad for these fuck sticks? It's not my fault that they suck.

Yeah whatever